i have been wanting to blog for so long. but lately, i have been hiding in my comfort zone. so when i'm sleepy, i allow myself to sleep. then when im hungry, i allow myself to eat. i mean, isn't this sticking to your comfort zone? so, i have become "soft". become un-disciplined. i don't see how i am going to excel in life.
well, anyway, im in pretty deep shit. but i'm gonna face the music. my dad gave me a supplementary credit card (ANZ) a while back. then i guess i was grieving over some fucker (yup, i swear to never mention his name on my blog ever again) that, i must have thrown away the envelope containing the credit card along with some movie tickets and all. oh shit. then ANZ wants to replace my card with a new card and dad is like asking me for my old one. then i said, eh, maybe i misplace it in my shelf. he said he will help me find it this sunday. ohmygosh. im doooooom. but i'll tell him the truth if i have to. sigh! im so scared leh. if you think about it, i threw away $20,000 (of credit limit) into the rubbish bin. ohfuckingshit! i really prays he forgets about the whole thing. cus i am 99% sure i didn't lose it outside my house.
so, this week has been pretty roller coaster-ish. fell sick on monday. got better. then tuesday night, i actually got my bloody (yes, i mean it) period also. sigh! i had 7 hours of lecture on wednesday. if its other lectures, i won't mind. but not if its james kwan's lecture? he even gave us a surprise MA test. well.. here's what i need to blog about..
i can't believe i'm still a goody-two shoes at heart. i remember i used to try to score full marks for my spelling and exams in primary school because it felt good to see the star or an "excellent" at the top of my work. in secondary, it rolled over. and whenever i see a full marks or excellent, i'll beam with pride. it really strokes my ego. hence, i was a nerd in secondary school. especially, like, when my essay is being read out to the class, goshh.. the pride.. is beyond words. though i'm all "nahh, its just luck" but deep down, i know i bloody deserve that recognition! then when i went on to polytechnic, we don't really get that kind of praises anymore. its either you belong to top few percent of the cohort, which they will award you with an honour's roll (haha, i did get 1 honour's roll through my poly life.. it thorougly stroked my ego so much, i became cocky and deteriorated through the following years, hence im in SIM). the other time i felt the "beam" was when mr lee praised our project and me for being good at the Q&A session. haha. well, not much ego-stroking since. and when i came to SIM, since university of london is a "one exam" based course, we aren't given projects. and assignments or tests are based on the lecturer's preference. but james kwan, my management accounting lecturer, the fucker who gave us 48 questions to be done in 2 weeks (in the end, it was my mistake. i heard wrongly. its supposed to be a month. and i thought i had to do it in 2 weeks). well, basically, when it comes to doing homework, its either i don't do at all, or i put in my effort. meaning to say, i can spend 3 hours on a question that should only cost me 1 hour because i wanna make sure i do it right. so, 48 long questions... is hell. and until now, im like at qn 36? plus i skipped a few questions especially budgetting.
so anyway, on wednesday, he asked us to submit our hols homework (the 48 questions) thing. and i was quite panicky. cus he said to complete up to 30. i did do until 36, but there are really a significant number of questions left blank :x so im afraid he will reject. cus if he rejects, we have to do 20 more questions and submit to him by cny. and we have another assignment due after cny also. 9th feb. so imagine the workload. and its only for MA leh! what about other modules? so anyway, he sprung a surprise test on us, so he will have time to check through our assignments. and when he returned, he put a "good" at the top of my assignment. I TOTALLY BEAMED. YES, MY EGO WAS STROKED. i'll do my best for the assignment. i can't believe, the first ever lecturer i have ever know to make me break into cold sweat during his lectures, can actually be the one in many years to return my "beam" to me. deep down, buried by the inner bitch and wild child, i am still a pair of goody-two shoes. (:
then well, if you read my blog, i have been bridget jones-ing the week away. well, chinese new year is just about the corner! whoopeee! but i dread for it to end!!! sigh. i forgot what else i wanna blog about again.. :(
well, im happy with my love life. its not full-blown love. but just a crush. simple. i don't wanna complicate it. i rather it remain in my fantasies, because in fantasies, you can't be hurt. (: its just nice now. the hope that he feels the same is fuelling me. but im not sure if i'd be this .. happy, hmm, happy isn't the correct word. i mean, i'll of course be happier if i knew he felt the same way. but, i don't think i'll feel the same "utility" [try referring to your economics notes] if i knew he likes me vs if i am wondering if he does? hahah! okay. i won't ruin this. anyway, if we don't work out, theres always nice, solid warmth of friendship to fall back on. like a hammock. (: my life now is great.
No comments:
Post a Comment