It doesn't matter.

Well, for a guy who sees pretty girls everyday, i should have known what to expect. well. honestly, its okay. it just further proves me correct. its not the men or the women who are at fault. its just, the whole idea of being in a relationship is shitty. i feel, if i were to be in a relationship at this point of time, its like a time bomb. you never know when it will explode. when he will bring up a break up. and memories you share becomes a double edge sword. it makes the relationship sweeter. also, when you're out of it, it kills you inside. i know, i have been stupid to be blogging all about relationship nonsense over a guy i am not even friends with. haha. well. even such a short period of time - 1 week, has caused me some disappointment. in the past, i might have said, "maybe its me. im ugly blah blah blah". it doesn't mean a guy breaks your heart means that you are ugly. you will feel you're ugly. but you're not.

i used to feel that the reason for me not being ever in a functional, long-term relationship would be because of my looks. and i have always always thought that the pretty girls have it easy. but now, i see that even the pretty girls get their hearts broken. boys DO cheat on the prettier girls. and in fact, the "not pretty" girls get loyal boyfriends. because, afterall, looks do deteriorate with time.

so, i don't feel that its truly me. i would prefer to think that i'm just not what he's looking for. oh well, im very sick of it. not just my love life per se, but the way guys go around breaking girls' hearts. and when im scared to form beautiful memories because i am afraid one day, they will come back and haunt me.. yeah.

well, i wanted to blog about my day in this post, but i shall not let stupid things like this contaminate a good day's worth of post. i am seriously planning a life with no men in it. of course, there will always be the resident men in my life - nathan, martin, albsie fartsie, random good friends like gerard and all. just yeah.. i think i am going to start mentally prepare myself for a life with no men, functional relationships whatsoever with any one guy. i used to say it with a pinch of salt, cus i'm thinking "wa! im so young. long way to get The One.. so many trees to explore in the forest before my time is up. but unfortunately, so far, all that i see are mirage. and then i realise they are dead logs. just useless piles of wood that i thought were shadows of beautiful, full grown tree.. but everytime, i do take a piece of lesson with me. though sometimes, i forget the lessons learnt.

i am rather useless i feel. because after going through much and declaring that i no longer believe in relationships, i just gave myself hope. blah. no more. i need to discipline myself. gah.