Too much.

Too be honest, i am feeling the emptiness this vacation makes me feel. suddenly, i don't really have an aim in life. i don't have a job. i don't really know what are the changes i wanna see. i don't have a functional agenda. and when work comes, i'd probably be complaining that i don't have the time to do what i wanna do. so, in the bathroom, while showering.. i started humming this song.. "Too much" by spice girls [as seen in the MV above, though it doesnt make sense.]

"Too Much of Something is bad enough,
But something's coming over me to make me wonder,
Too Much of nothing is just as tough,
I need to know the way to feel to keep me satisfied"

Met with Lorraine and we had an honest chat about life and friendships and relationships. and i think these words [though the context isn't really the same] are very true. maybe its just me, but we always have too much of something or nothing. initially it might be overwhelmingly good/bad.. but as time passes.. the overwhelming feeling is slowly taken as normal-ness and we wonder why we were so excited and overwhelmed in the first place for? Like, just 5 months back, i had too much to study, read, memorize and slowly, it became a habit to me no matter how much i detested that boring, no-life life. suddenly, i no longer have to study and i have so much time in my hands.. and theres too much of nothing. and i feel.. empty.

Sometimes, i wonder.. when will i be truly happy? Will i be happy when i no longer am broke? will i be happy when i finally meet my prince charming? will i be happy when i have children? will i be happy if i had a good job? will i be happy if i travelled half across the world?

Should i be happy now? Is my current state of life worth being happy about? i have many things now in my life.. i should feel happy.. right? But why am i not happy? is there a way to feel happy? sigh. i guess its time to dive back into my self-helps. maybe i'd find an answer there.

The reason i brought up the topic of "too much" is because... too much of something can be bad. I feel it now. hmmm... i need sources of inspiration.

What drives happiness? Are we really like what Max Weber said, "we are little cogs in a big machine"? hmm.. So complicated.