Insecurities.

i have always thought that i needed a guy to complete my life and take the insecurities away from my life because perhaps, not having a guy means im not attractive enough. but now that i have a guy, the insecurities never went away. nathan is awesome. he is really one of the few guys i know, other than my dad and gramps, who i have complete faith in. so it is not that im afraid he'd leave me for other girls. but the question i keep asking myself is, does he deserve better?

i have yet to hit 21 years old.. and i am fat, with a very very receding hairline, pimples, oily hair and so much insecurities. i don't like to show it out. i dont like to be pitied. but faking it doesnt make the insecurities go away. more often than not, i catch myself wondering if i was selfish for even confessing in the first place. does he deserve prettier girl? a more gentle girl?

nathan told me his friends thinks im q pretty. but its really in pictures. i appreciate what he goes through to boost my self esteem. but i have so much flaws that i really am too lucky to have such an awesome guy. i want to be prettier. i think that even if he doesn't mind.. i do. i mind that im not good looking enough. and i want him to have someone pretty looking to look at. yeah, beauty is skin deep. but.. is it really only skin deep? it takes a lot of money and effort for girls to maintain their looks. for me, brow threading, legs waxing, nails painting, hair trimming, armpit shaving, moisturising everynight, massaging flabby areas to let blood flow every night, make-uping.. these procedures go on on a regular basis. and even with this, i never feel fully confident. and well, if i dont do any of those procedures, i feel naked and vulnerable. yeah, i realise that i have become this superficial.

it is not easy being a girl in this day and age. we have to excel in school, in work, in looks, in being a girlfriend/ daughter/ mother... have to be feminine yet strong. we need to be caring yet not over caring. we need to look sexy but not slutty. the lines that seperate the traits are just too fine. and it takes a lot of effort to maintain on the line. cus one slip up and you'd be frowned upon by the society or you will end up not doing yourself enough justice or maximising your full potential.

how i wish for the day where i no longer have to be bothered by my physical appearance and just be myself. concentrate on the bigger things.. like caring for humanity.. cheering people up.. travelling.. being the wanderluster i wanna be, instead of this trapped up citygirl who is so caught up with social comparison that it sucks away this carefree-ness that lies beneath her appearance.

oh well. random blogpost. but yeah. don't know why i am so filled to the brim with insecurities. oh well... yeah.

23 days and counting... :) i should really put these insecurities aside and really be the best i can be.