here's what inspired me to do this post:"For individuals and organizations to be open to challenge, it is necessary that their maps of reality be truly open for inspection by the public. More than press conferences are required. A life of total dedication to the truth means a life of total honesty. it means a continuous and never-ending process of self-monitoring to assure that our communications - not only the words that we say but also the way we say them - invariably reflect as accurately as humanly possible the truth or reality as we know it."
This morning, Wint saw me and she told me i've gained weight! And also, my mum was telling me that i should lose some weight since i'm only young once. and well, i have been eating quite a lot these days, especially korean bbq buffet. and i was thinking about the book and i've decided to purchase my own weighing scale. i've never owned one, for the simple fact that i wanted to lie to myself. if i didn't see the numbers on the scale, i'd probably won't think i'm that fat. in secondary, taking height and weight was my biggest fear, since i was overweight since secondary 1. and because i chose to ignore, i grew heavier and heavier.. and in poly, when there wasn't height and weight to be measured anymore, my weight escalated. soon, i see my friends all looking fabulous at 17, 18 years old... and i looked so.. fugly. but you'd be surprised that at the heaviest in my life, i've never felt inferior. i don't know why! in fact, i feel more insecure now (despite being alot lighter) than then! but well.. after i came back from Sydney in 2008, i lost a lot of weight because my cousin was very health conscious! so i followed her diet and i even went for a forest run.. which i was soo lagged behind, i promised to train up my stamina by the time i return to sydney again. hence, i took up yoga and my weight went down a bit more.. and then i stopped doing yoga. got a little smug. and my weight climbed back up a little. and recently, when i discovered the joy of jogging.. my weight went down a little. but with the korean bbq buffet, i honestly don't see how i can lose anymore weight. i'm going to stop buffets. for a while.
i don't know why but i have been feeling very demoralised and my self esteem is probably at an all time low. i wished i could have plastic surgery (i know, i'm superficial.. ). especially seeing all the pretty girls in my lecture, i don't even think i should be 20 years old. i just feel so fat. i love wearing denim shorts.. but i hate how my thighs look so fat in them.
so, instead of just complaining, as mentioned in "the road less traveled" - "you cannot solve a problem except by solving it." the problem won't go away just because i choose to ignore it and whine about it instead. i'm going to take matters into my own hands. recently, i bought "slim cream" from etude house and it is fucking expensive. $30 for a jar. but it lasts 1 month or so. actually, i feel it does work. i feel flabby without it now.. but it could just be psychological.
anyway, i took the plunge today and dropped at cityhall to buy a weighing scale from the pharmacy at $25. at first, i felt ashamed. i didn't want to be judged. yes, that's how low my self-esteem was. in fact, i felt like i was buying a condom or something. but then, i just told myself, "i'm buying this because i want to change my life." and then my head went back up. well, i'm not ashamed of trying to lose weight even if it means i might not succeed. but i will give my best. im not eating dinner tonight. i know!! u must be thinking, "thats not healthy" etc.. well, i had late lunch. and also, yesterday, i had late dinner. and also, i feel the need to detox the toxic from all the cny goodies i've been eating. so, its just green tea and fruits tonight. then tomorrow, i can start afresh. yeah. good luck to me, especially with so much temptations around!! bahhhh. i was thinking if i should post my current weight on this post, but nah, i'm keeping a diary for that. i don't have the confidence yet. well, hopefully i'll succeed! lol. anyway, here's a perfect video to end this post:
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