What's the point?

just woke up after a 13 hours sleep.

I find myself once again, asking this question, "what's the point of waking up?" then i'd answer my own question, "to study." then i'd ask, "why study?" then i'd say, "to graduate well." then i'd ask, "why graduate well?" then i'd say, "to get a good job." then i'd ask,"why a better job?" then i'd say, "to have a better life." then i'd ask, "why a better life?" then im stuck.

So, it already has been happening for weeks but though am not a christian, i find myself asking, "whats my purpose in life? Am i suppose to live life only to make my life better? Am i doing any good to this society? What kind of value am i to others? do i really have a true purpose? because i find it lame and selfish that the only reason i can think of waking up is because i wanna have a better life.

I have become mundane. I don't really have the guts to take change at its horns and swing it around. I merely walk past or just squat down with my hands coverinng my ears and eyes and pretend it doesn't exist.

Also, its just that because i have been studying so much, i feel detached from myself, my friends and my surroundings. I don't feel i have existed in the past week as i kept attending lectures and chionging my studies. I wished i felt more in sync with my life and my surrounding.

There was this guy who fb pm-ed me. He seems rather nice looking. and he seems decent. But i completely didn't even think of replying (which i would have in the past). I have become frigid. though i still want a bf, i don't want to be in a relationship. I want to, but i just dont' think its worth the aftermath of a breakup...

And no matter how many friends or lovers you have, it just occurs to me that being alone is an ultimate equilibrium. In case you are unfamiliar with this term "equilibrium".. It is used in economics to describe the market when no matter how well or badly it does, it will revert to a stage where everyone is contented with. (something like that, if u want a more credible definition, google by all means). I realised that, despite the fact that i've been out studying everyday with friends for the past 2 months, ultimately on saturday night, i was home alone. And i used to love home alones on saturday nightS. But that night, i felt incredibly lonely and sad. And not used to being alone. It stinks. Because it just shows how dependent i have been on my friends. And today, im alone at home too after so many weeks of being out of home. Well.. I hope to recover my composure and inner poise and be okay with being alone. Sigh. So weak right? well... Yeah. Eventually, people leave, people die.. The friendships/ relationships you've held on to so closely one moment may just turn around and become the very knife that cuts through your heart. so, what i'd say is, when you're in the moment, just cherish it. And try not to push things to a later date. Cus you'd never know when that 'later event' might go from being the most meaningful thing in your life to becoming the most utterly meaningless event you ever wrote on your calendar. And that transition can be ground-smashingly painful.

Ya. I should go brush teeth, eat something and start my day. Oh well. Cheerios.