i have been thinking alot these days. Probably a lot due to schoolwork and partially due to general elections and how the people around me have been feeling about it.. People around me should know how much i want my own children, right? And i start to think, is it cruel to want to bring another human being to go through all these disappointments, frutrations of life? It is pure murder. Murder of the spirit and soul. The sense of helplessness when you see a guy overly obese sitting in a corner, sulking. The sense oh helplessness when you see a man disfigured standing at a corner of the void deck by himself. The sense of helplessness when you see the socially unaccepted people being on their own. There are a lot of times im frustrated with the opinions of those around me as they clash. Yet, im afraid to voice out as i just feel like it is none of my business. i am alone in this society populated with happily dating couples. but i am okay about this. suddenly, this seems to be a small matter as compared to the bigger concerns i have in life.
How to be happy? i wanna know. is it possible to ignore all of the above, yet live without guilt and remain happy go lucky? this is why i said that i really wished i never knew the things i knew. oh gosh. i feel suffocated having so many negative thoughts surrounding me. i really wanna just stick to my life, be nonchalant, not give a damn fuck to my surroundings and just live nice and comfortably in my shell. watching dramas where their problems will be solved because the drama has to end.
Really really thought of .. giving up. i just hate the world right now. filled with bluffs, facades, sugar coats. nothing seem real. it feels like we cant trust anything and anyone for the record. i feel like really.. just giving up everything, leaving home, just take the world and swim with turtles. where i dont need make up to hide my blemishes. where i dont need to see all these superficiality that im going to face as i enter the working world. sometimes, i wished life was simple. where we could just be contented with who we are, what we are given. i wished i didnt know how these facades work. i wished i didnt know all the dirt behind all these fucking bullshit we think are good news. i wished i could believe PAP words are true and wash my hands off all these bull shit.
I am no longer the shirley i once was. i am not okay with many things i cant say here because i would look like a monster. i am not the shirley who once was contented with living in hope. im now the shirley who has to voice her opinions as much as pisses people off. i wanna go back to the coward i once was. it was so much comfortable there. i think i wanna go into isolation. suddenly i just cant be myself around people because.. it is scary- this shirley. yeah.
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