just spent the last hour reading 'julie and julia'. Haha. Its a bit boring at first, but its getting more interesting though i am getting sleepy.
Well. I feel i've held on long enough. There doesn't seem to be anymore progress. Yes, sometimes it does feel like he can't live without me. But then, most of the time, it feels like i probably just exist when he needs my help and my role is simple: just his best friend who is there when he needs me. And to hang out with. Nothing more special or prettier than his other female friends. Maybe, i'm just another one of his buddies. But well.. The longer i hold on, the more meaningless it seems. Slowly, the feelings really will wear off. The past few times hanging out with him.. I wanted him to be happy but more of as his best friend. But, im really curious to know if he has ever.. I don't know.. Even been moved? Or liked me, even?? Should i ask or sweep it under the rug? Well. Whatever it is.. I think i might not have anything for him anymore. I don't know. Ive done my bit for his birthday... And well... I hope he would have a splendid party. Really. After this, i doubt he would need me or what la. So, this is it. I guess im just gonna let the feeling wear off. Not gonna forget him on purpose.
I havent dated since last november. And, slowly, i kinda forget the feeling of anticipation of receiving a flirty text or 'how was your day' phonecall. Of course, all these months.. I really look forward to his texts. Especially ones where he initiated. It kinda made me feel special. Haha. I also forgot the feeling of heart pounding when someone holds my hand. No one has since november '10. Haha. I feel rather accustomed already, to not feeling these fluctuations. Though i keep saying, i wanna feel those fluctuations again.. Its truly the disappointed feeling i remember the most. I really ask for just one passionate enough relationship.. And it doesnt matter if i get married or not. Im growing older. I havent been looking good when im supposed to - in my teens. Now im hitting 20s and i really wanna try to look as pretty as i can. Not that my sole intention is to get guys, but before my prime is up, i wanna see whats the prettiest i can get. As i said, i dont really feel that love is based on looks especially since i see many girls around me whoo arent pretty and skinny, yet having loyal boyfriends who love them to bits.
I wont deny that whatever i do, he will constantly be on my mind. And i do check his fb daily... X: but i miss .. Being reciprocated. Yup. Thats what i miss.
"the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return" … so sang Nat King Cole. I miss being loved yet loving that someone. Will i ever be loved again?
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