?

Life now is very well.. fucked. can't believe that what i have always believed is.. not true. i am on the other side of the field. and yes, the grass sure is greener. but i think i left my personality back on the other side. i guess thats the problem.

to be frank, i dont feel that i have changed much since i have gotten with nathan. i can't feel it rather. but the people around me have changed their reactions to me. or at least thats how i feel. i dont feel as close to my family as i should. maybe its me who have changed. but honestly, apart from that Monday nights are date nights for me and him and yes, there has been increased texting and i might be abit more preoccupied with him.. i don't know.. but i honestly can't feel that i have changed. in fact, to make sure i dont lose my old life, i have put in more effort to constantly keep in touch with lorr, emma, alb, reggie.. actually, i don't really know what i have done wrong.

but truth be told, i feel that i have become more lethargic since work began. i cannot last past 12 midnight. i now wake up before 11 automatically.

i really dont feel like i've changed. i meet up with friends and family more than i meet with nei. the most i can remember us meeting is prolly.. 3 times a week? but that was inclusive of xiin's chalet. we only text in the morning and evening because of his expensive smses. and because we already am so close for years, i feel we have already known each other and hence, there isn't much going on. even katherine who has been with her bf for 5 years.. meets her bf twice a week? i don't know. really. since the holidays began, dynamics have changed. im working everyday. suddenly, im home for dinner twice a week only [and even before i got with him].. i have been meeting up with different friends. and alot of time has been allocated to cards making. suddenly, a good friend of mine isn't very healthy. lao gu has liver cancer. too much changes to adapt to?

i dont even know why i sound like im desperately explaining myself. yeah. im wrong. and maybe im a terrible friend. a selfish person. yeah. wont deny it. but what am i supposed to do when i feel like i have already been putting effort to please as many people as i can and yet, no one is satisfied? maybe im a square peg trying to fit into this round world and i probably don't fit well. i just feel like retreating into the world of harry potter.

actually, talking so much is pointless. because i admit that i am fucking good at paying lip service. im awesome at that. but i dont always deliver what i say. you know what. time for a change. time to stop it. im fucking tired actually, right now.. plus having period and have been sleeping at 12 trying to finish up a birthday card. yeah.

so how now brown cow? do i go back to the other side, pick up my old personality and bring it over to the field? but what if i cant make it over? or do i develop a new personality once i come to this other side of the field? but does this mean i have to give up things that meant so much from the other side?

i wished i can just retreat into my world and not bother about anything. but like "the road less traveled" said, since when is life easy? you cannot solve a problem except by solving it.

reggie, and to all my friends who read my blog for that matter.. right now, i dont really think i deserve your friendship. because i think i happily skipped over to the other side but have forgotten about what i used to have on the previous side of the field. im a wreck, to be frank, at this point. yeah. it sounds like i've made a big hoo ha out of nothing and being all melodramatic about this, but well.. whatever i've typed here on this blog.. have been my honest thoughts. this is probably the only place in the world where i can just write without filtering thoughts. yeah.

i dont know. dont really know what to do now or how to go on from here. all i see is a pile of journal entries on my desk, waiting for me to key them in. and i will do just that. tonight will be meeting wileen. haha, my good ol' wileen from broadrick. at least, meeting her would be a temporary break from reality. i dont know. just damn tired.